i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
