I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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