I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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