I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
