Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she looked like the before picture.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
