I'm gonna have a badass scar
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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