it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I love you. Go after that dick
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
