WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
