The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize