i think i have two assholes
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
