I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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