If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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