I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
