a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
