Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
