it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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