This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
