i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
