When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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