Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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