While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
