Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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