I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize