Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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