Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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