So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
