somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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