I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
