you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
