I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
