you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
