Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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