I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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