My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
