Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
