I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
