I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
