I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize