I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
