My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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