I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You were trust falling into bushes
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
