i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
