It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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