I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
