I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
