god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
