i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
