I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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