that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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