So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize