Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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