So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
