So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize