So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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