I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
