My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
