You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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