Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I need to calm my uterus...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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